You Make Me Laugh

Joke stolen from: You Make Me Laugh

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say 10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? 8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that. 7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!! 6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son? 5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party. 4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. 3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. 2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. 1. What do I want for my birthday? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it) *Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!* cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Joke stolen from: You Make Me Laugh

For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn. A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts. Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed. "Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know."

Joke stolen from: You Make Me Laugh

You're not a kid anymore when.... 1. You're asleep but others worry that you're dead. 2. Your back goes out more than you do. 3. You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials. 4. The only reason you're awake at 4 a.m. is indigestion. 5. The pharmacy gives you a volume discount. 6. You are proud of your lawnmower. 7. 8 a.m. is your idea of "sleeping in." 8. People call you at 8 p.m. and ask: "Did I wake you?" 9. Your highschool diploma is the color of buttermilk. 10. Digestion is a consideration when reading a menu. 11. Nobody ever tells you to slow down. 12. You make everyone be quiet during weather bulletins. 13. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 14. You have to get a fire permit to light your birthday candles. 15. Someone breaks wind and you don't laugh. 16. You're always asked to say the blessing. 17. When you talk about "good grass", you're referring to someone's lawn. 18. Soaking your feet in Epsom Salts is a heavenly experience. 19. Your ears are hairier than your head. 20. You've seen Halley's Comet...twice. 21. Your idea of the perfect nightcap is Metamucil.

Joke stolen from: You Make Me Laugh

Mark Twain's contention was that the most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. These words of wisdom were all spoken by children under 10. You can listen to thunder after lightening to tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it never mind. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand. South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage. Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. Genetics explains why you look like your father ... and if you don't, why you should. Vacuums are nothing. I only mention them to let them know we know they are there. Some people can tell the time by looking at the sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers. We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. I am not sure how clouds get formed but the clouds know how to do it and that is the important thing.

Joke stolen from: You Make Me Laugh

Which windshield wiper blade always quits first? That's right -- the driver's side. This happened to me one day while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm. Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield clear. Not only that -- you'd be surprised at how many people waved back.